


Maps

by DecrescentMelancholy



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Character Death, Depression, F/M, Forgive Me, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Insomnia, IronStrange, M/M, Maps by Maroon 5 AU, Panic Attacks, Post-Avengers: Infinity War Part 1 (Movie), Suicidal Thoughts, reference to Iron Man
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-14
Updated: 2018-08-14
Packaged: 2019-06-27 04:30:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,313
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15678054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DecrescentMelancholy/pseuds/DecrescentMelancholy
Summary: When Tony entered the spaceship he never thought that he would end up falling in love with the stupid, arrogant wizard he saved. Now he needed to continue his life as if nothing had happened. Enjoy being engaged to Pepper and ignore the aching feeling inside his chest every time he thinks of Peter or Strange.





	Maps

Was it too much to ask to go back just a few years, to when he was still Iron Man but nothing more? Not an Avenger, not a disappointment, and certainly not the worst thing that happened to the world? To go back to where the most headache inducing thing he needed to manage were interviews and board meetings? When he didn't have to deal with the end of the world as they knew it? Was that too much to ask? Apparently, yes. Tony sighed. 

 

It had been five months since the snap. Five months since half the world disappeared and he was left stranded on another planet with Nebula. He lost so much, just like she had, and neither of them knew what to do. 

 

Tony, after a few hours, had asked,  _ begged  _ her to leave to another part of the galaxy, start again. Nebula refused. She said that she would like to start again but on earth. She didn't want to stay in space, a place which never welcomed her. He, on the other hand, didn't want to go back to earth, a place where the masses loathed him. 

 

They were at an impasse but, in the end, he complied. He guessed -- and he was right -- that no matter what, they world would need an Iron Man and what was left of the Avengers, if there were any. Unfortunately, only the original six remained but he wasn't about to complain. The world lost a lot that day and if this was what was left of their heroes, he was going to take it however it was given. 

 

He offered Nebula a place in the compound, another one to Rocket who was also part of the Guardians and was left alone. They accepted it, no complaints. The Avengers also stayed, not sharing more than a few words with him. Neither part wanted to talk about what happened. Each part went their own way and that left Tony to go back his. To Pepper. 

 

If he was being honest, Tony didn't know what he expected when he went to find her, but seeing her clutching a cup of tea, tear stains on her cheeks and dust all over the floor wasn't it. She looked up when he entered, her eyes watering more, and a soft  _ “Tony” _ escaped her lips. They hugged for what seemed like forever, both crying without talking, gripping each other as if they were going to disappear if they let go. 

 

Now, in the middle of the night, five months later, not much had changed. Humanity was still grieving the lost, including him. 

 

The stars brought all the memories back, the sight leaving him breathless. The ship, the kid, the wizard, the Guardians, Thanos, the stone, the dust, the kiss…

 

“Tony?” Pepper’s soft voice reached from somewhere around the corner where she was probably standing. It wasn't unusual for him to be awake at night and since the snap, his go-to place wasn't the lab anymore. She knew this. Pepper walked up to him, grabbing his hand and looking out of the window/wall he was in front of. “Are you thinking about it?” 

 

He nodded. Pepper didn't know much, he refused to share more than a few words about that day, but she knew about the people he met in space and what looking at the sky meant most days. 

 

“Someone needs to remember it.” 

 

Pepper cradled his cheek, a sad smile on her lips. 

 

“Who could forget?” 

 

He was becoming more sensible these days, not being able to hide his emotions as well as before, so when Pepper thumbed a tear out the corner of his eye, Tony didn't comment, only went back to look at the sky. 

 

“Go back to bed, I'll be inside in a bit.” 

 

“Don't stay up too late.” 

 

“Of course.”  

 

He kissed her cheek and watched as she vanished around the corner. She was perfect, stunning, amazing. He didn't deserve her. She didn't deserve this. How long could he keep hidden that he was in love with another man? 

 

_ “Stark.” _

 

Tony closed his eyes, pain firing up inside his chest. That was his voice. That arrogant tone. He could almost see the smirk on his face, the mirth in his eyes. 

 

_ ‘Why did you go?’ _

 

It seemed almost laughable, how much he longed for the memory, but Tony didn't care. He wanted it back, all of it. He wanted that tone and smirk and those eyes back. He wanted the laughs, the comments, the bite. He wanted the opportunity to do something. He wanted the chance. 

 

But it was gone, everything. And Strange along with it. 

 

_ ‘Why?’ _ he clutched his chest as his eyes blurred the night sky over him.  _ ‘Why did you go?’  _

 

**

 

_ “Mr. Stark!”  Tony looked back from where he was arguing with Quill, glad he was getting a distraction.  _

 

_ “What's up, kid?”  Peter was jumping excitedly on the same spot, waiting for Tony to get over where he was.  _

 

_ “Mr. Stark! So, I was talking to the Mantis girl, she is so cool by the way! But anyways! I was talking to the Mantis girl and she asked me why I screamed at her to not put her eggs in me and one thing led to another and now she's trying to get Mr. Doctor Strange pregnant with her fingers! You got to see this, look!”  _

 

_ Tony stared at the distance where, indeed, the Mantis girl was following Strange around, one palm up, and Strange was walking in circles trying to get away from her, his mouth making an essay of colorful words. _

 

_ Well, this wasn't something you could see every day.  _

 

_ “Isn't it hilarious?” Peter asked, giggling. Tony smirked. _

 

_ “You're right, it is. But I better get over there and stop them before someone gets thrown into another world or something.”  _

 

_ He left behind a whiny Peter saying something along the lines of ‘Don't ruin the fun!’, but he ignored it in order to reach the other two.  _

 

_ As he came closer, he could hear Strange growling and hissing at Mantis but she didn't seem to catch the meaning of the sounds, only stepping further into his personal space.  _

 

_ - _

 

It was almost unreasonable how he could have fallen in love in a single day, but it happened. At first, he felt guilt, then some hours passed and guilt turned into amusement, then affection. To be fair, Strange made it extremely easy to fall head over heels for. He had a way to worm himself into every nook and cranny of one’s. Won Peter over too. And now it was almost impossible to forget them. Forget him. If Stephen had survived Tony was completely sure he would've broken off the engagement after a month or so. Why he hasn't done it was beyond him. Maybe he was afraid. Who knew. 

 

But he was gone, and Tony was still engaged. To a wonderful woman, no doubt, but Pepper wasn't Stephen. 

 

\- 

 

_ ‘Maybe if you had said something instead of arguing, she would've left you alone.’  _

 

_ Tony was smirking at the scowl the doctor wore. He was fine, physically. His pride needed time to heal, on the other hand.  _

 

_ ‘I did say something. Many times! Aliens are so hard to communicate with.’  _

 

_ ‘Don't be like that, Stephanie, we're aliens to them too, you know.’ Stephen's eyes snapped up to meet his. _

 

_ ‘Don't call me that.’  _

 

_ ‘Sure, sure.’ Tony winked at him, sitting down where Stephen was sitting.  _

 

\- 

 

It seemed a little selfish, even, being the one standing here, alive. Tony Stark didn't deserve to be alive, not compared to a lot of the people who vanished. 

 

Happy deserved a life, maybe even the life that Tony had. An engagement to Pepper, the cars, the tower.

 

Peter deserved to be alive. He deserved to study and graduate and keep making videos. He deserved to go to college and become an official Avenger. 

 

Quill deserved to properly mourn his lover's unfair death, he deserved to keep traveling the universe and guarding it with his crew.

 

T’Challa deserved the chance to rule, he deserved to show the world Wakanda’s kindness and support. He deserved to wear the Black Panther’s mantle with pride and honor his father. 

 

Stephen deserved to learn more about his role and keep teaching new wizards. He deserved to live with Wong and protect this universe. He deserved to be alive and loved. He deserved better.

 

Even the people alive deserved so much better than Tony Stark. He could and would give his life to bring Shuri her brother back. He would trade his life so Rocket could have his family. Tony would kill himself if it meant seeing the spark in May’s eyes again. Tony would die over and over again if the universe depended on it to be back to normal. 

 

Hell, he would kill himself right now without all of those reasons. Selfish, he knew. Not that he cared at all. Tony Stark’s life had properly ended five months ago. Iron Man could go straight to hell, travel back to Afghanistan if it wanted, he wouldn't put the suit on again unless it meant something more than death and despair.

It would be so easy to follow the path half the universe went. So easy, so selfish…

 

_ ‘Don't waste it’ _

 

“Shut up.” He was tired, so tired. No one could pretend, not these days. But somehow, he found himself trying. 

 

He was alone.

 

“You promised, you idiot. You promised me!” Tony hit the glass window with both his fists, pain not registering in his mind. “Who's the actual coward, huh? Everything was fine, you even said you would let me die if it meant protecting the stone. So why? Why did you trade it for my life? My life! That doesn't mean shit! You're pathetic! I hate you! You hear me, Strange?  _ I hate you! _ ” 

 

More tears slipped down his cheeks, fists hitting the glass over and over again.

 

“You said you would live. You promised me! I was with you for that, remember? When everything started going to hell, I was with you. But now that we are living in the actual apocalypse, you're gone! You said protecting this realm was your job, your duty! What happened to that? To your promise? Are you just going to let Wong handle everything? You know he can't do it! Your words were lies! You said you cared about this world, but you left it!” 

 

Tony panted, throat tight with emotion and raw for the screaming. 

 

“You said you cared about me, and you left me…” 

 

The floor swayed beneath him, legs turned to jelly and  deciding unable to  support him anymore. Tony was a weeping mess on the floor, just a heap of a panting, sweaty mess. 

 

-

 

_ “Stark-”  _

 

_ “Tony.” Stephen closed his mouth. _

 

_ “What?” Tony grinned, moving his head so he could look him in the eye. _

 

_ “Call me Tony, Stephanie.” Stephen sighed, completely done with the engineer.  _

 

_ “Tony-” The billionaire chuckled “we're going to get through this. I promise you.” _

 

_ “Oh, I know.” The sorcerer narrowed his eyes at the comment.  _

 

_ “How?”  _

 

_ Tony took his time to answer, instead smiling softly at the group that was a few feet away. The Guardians were joking with Peter, moving strangely, like some sort of dance. The blue cyborg, Nebula, was glaring at them but there was something in her posture that showed off her calm. The orange glow on the planet gave the moment a sort of invulnerability. It seemed magical.  _

 

_ Tony grabbed his hand, ignoring the sudden jolt, turned to him, and smiling, said, _

 

_ “Because we're together” _

 

_ - _

 

The air wasn't reaching his lungs, which consequently wasn't reaching his brain. Panic attack. Awesome. His hands grabbed anything and everything around him trying to find some sort of crutch. Tony could feel his throat burning and his mouth growing hot. Great, he was going to vomit soon too.

 

“Boss!” Friday, bless her, tried to speak to him. “Boss, I need you to breathe with me, please. Focus on my voice and breathe in on the count of three. That's it. Now out on three. Good. Please keep focusing on my voice, yes, like that. Good. Now out on three. Please continue.” 

 

His breathing was returning to normal, apparently, a good sign. Yay to life, right? 

 

The images inside his mind were painful, but at least he could get a better hold of himself right now. 

 

“Would you like me to inform Miss Potts of this?” 

 

“N-no. Thank you Fri, I'm good. Just give me a few minutes.” Silence followed his sentence, seeming almost like hesitance. 

 

“Sure, Boss. I'm here if you need me.” 

 

_ ‘There was no other way’ _

 

Bullshit. There probably was a way, you were just taking the easy way out.

 

“Coward.” Brown eyes were drawn once again to the dark mass that was the night sky. Everything seemed so empty now. 

 

_ ‘Tony’ _

 

“I hate you.” All blurry darkness once again. “I hate you so much, Stephanie.” 

 

_ Please come back to me _

 

“I hate you and I will forever hate you for doing this. You could've lived! You could've saved the world, but instead you traded that for my pathetic life. Fuck you! Fuck you and your stupid magic powers! I'm pretty sure you are just having a grand time in the afterlife while we deal with all of this! Well, you know what? We don't need you!  _ I  _ don't need you! I'm glad you died!” 

 

_ I need you so much _

 

What was it with him and crying these past few months? Stark men are made of Iron. Stark men don't cry. 

 

_ I can't handle this, why did you go? _

 

And everything came back to the same again, didn't it? Back to choked words that held less meaning but also a whole lot more.

 

“I hate you, Strange.” 

  
_ I love you, Stephen…  _

**Author's Note:**

> I would very much like to thanks CrzA for being my beta for this story. You saved my life, thank you. 
> 
> I would like to dedicate this story to Ferra on tw, whom without I wouldn't even have thought about writing this. This is for you! 
> 
> Hope you like it! 
> 
> PS: please don't kill me


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